Mar 25, 2008

The New Terminator Movie

When Terminator 4 was announced, the title was obviously way too long. Who wants to see Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins cluttering up a marquee? So it was no surprise when the title was recently changed. What did they come up with? Terminator: Return of the Terminator.

Wow. Obviously the result of a good old brainstorming sesh at the studio when the writers were out on strike.

First of all, is there really a big need to use the word Terminator twice? Do they already know this is going straight to the video store, so they want to make sure people can find it in the "T" section? Return of the Terminator would be dull, but not terrible. Except that to the 5 billion people who saw the first three, no matter how many other robots pop up, Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Terminator. And he's not in it. Absence of the Terminator? That probably wouldn't fill seats.

Here are my top options for the fourquel, all of which also wouldn't fill seats. Hmm. Maybe I can copyright the word "fourquel," like Pat Riley did with "threepeat" when he was coaching the Lakers.

Terminator 4: Turns Out, He Will Not Be Back After All
This one gets it out of the way up front. Hasta la Vista, Baby (For Reals) would work just fine, too.

Terminator and Terminatorer
Terrible movie buffs may recall that neither Jim Carrey nor Jeff Daniels would touch the sequel to Dumb and Dumber.

T4: The Phantom Menace
Apparently, they're planning to make Terminator 4 the first in a whole new trilogy. Is it just me, or does this sound familiar?

Terminator Chronicles: Sarah Connor's Son Also Has Chronicles
The show's a hit, just sit back and ride the buzz! And, if the director's really sold on using the same word twice, this one's all chronicley.

T4: We Know, We're Trying to Get Him to Do a Cameo
Hell, maybe they can at least get Maria Shriver to play his robot wife. Wouldn't even need a makeup artist. HEY-OOH!

Terminator X
Sure it's only number four, but the letter X is still hip with the kids, right? And it's not like the series has ever let itself get hung up on logic. Besides, xXx wasn't the thirtieth movie in that series. And hey, maybe they can get the old Public Enemy DJ to do the soundtrack. Actually, that would rule.

Terminator: He Had to Split
It's always a good time to resurrect a line from The Running Man, another Schwarzenegger classic chock-full of great post-kill one-liners. Right before saying this, Arnold cut a guy in half with his own chainsaw. And it works because, you know, the whole thing about him not being in T4. Yes, I'm disappointed.

Terminator Fore
Why not follow in the grand tradition of Teen Wolf Too?


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